Controlling the Narrative
still on hiatus...but I missed you all, terribly...
Hi friends!
Life Update: I’m been working on grad school applications, wish me luck this cycle! I’m writing a new novel, Pass the Baton, inspired by my time as a Junior Olympian with USATF. I’m working on new music. I’ll be in New York (FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER!!) next month!!! Please let me know what you’re all up to! Still on hiatus, workshopping, but I had a really shitty week and wanted to share some recurring thoughts I’ve been having in conversation with friends.
August 19th, 2023 —
I’ve been thinking of Narrative recently. Naturally, I’m a writer and I create narratives as passion. Not to be meta, but I’ve been thinking about real-life narratives. Having control over the way perceive you. Being able to defend yourself when something is said about you that isn’t true. Trying to fill that burning desire to explain your side of things and avoid being misunderstood. Tracy Ellis Ross when asked in a Vogue 73 Questions interview what her biggest fear was, said “Being misunderstood.”
It’s funny because I have spent my entire life purposefully trying to be misunderstood. Finding a sense of terror but also peace in hiding. Not wanting to be found out. Avoiding someone looking me too deeply in the eyes.
Rumors have always followed me into every room I’ve entered. Specifically, in the last few years I’ve spent a lot of time being accused of things I haven’t done. Assumptions about my sexuality, finances, living situation, family dynamic, etc. It used to debilitate me. I would starve myself or do different drugs to cope with the idea of being found out. I lashed out at people. I discarded others. I was young. I’m still young.
Nonetheless, I have a new perspective on narrative. Mostly that it is something that is so infinite that we can never ever truly get our hands on it. The way one person perceives you through their subjective outlook is different from the next. Sure, there are universal aspects to your personal identity, I.e. you dress a certain way, you like certain genres of music, you have a favorite type of pasta. That’s all fine.
What I’m referring to is the nuance of our everyday which receives little to no screen time. Those minuscule rituals you perform before bed and the kinds of things you pray for with the lights off. How you feel in the car when you’re going to work in the morning. The way you feel about your relationship with your parents at 3 am. Nobody sees that part of you, and if you ever tell them about these highly specific feelings, what you give them is the cream of the crop. It’s all far too layered to do otherwise. A snapshot of a panorama photo. A thirty-second clip of a ten-hour movie.
And while social media has exacerbated our capacity to be secretive. Making it customary to air every intrusive thought out into the ether. Still, I believe that we know less of what really matters about one another. We know only what we’re all willing to share. What we feel is palatable enough to the people that follow us. We package ourselves to one another attempting to present as whole an image as possible. The juiciest, interior stuff of our lives never willingly finds itself on the internet. And why? Because it’s the most vulnerable information. It would reveal too much of ourselves. It would fuck up the whole operation.
Sure, people post about their partners, personal accomplishments, cute puppy moments, etc. But rarely do I see an unfiltered realness. And I am no exception. As I stated, I’ve spent most of my life hiding. But, what I’ve learned being in a transparent closet is that there is no use in preserving an idea of yourself for the sake of others. The only reason you should preserve an idealized version of yourself is when it is solely because it pleases you, that it’s aligned with what you personally believe to be true.
Everyone is going to have a different opinion about the type of person you are. As much as you are a hero in many of your friends’ narratives, I guarantee that you are a part of someone’s villain origin story, whether you choose to believe it or not. By all means, you can try and make amends with someone you’ve shared a riff with. I always implore my friends to make amends when the opportunity presents itself. But, here’s the other thing. Not everyone is going to forgive you. Not everyone is going to see things from your perspective. Not everyone is going to give you a second or third chance. And here’s the kicker, you’re not owed any of these things. And once you make peace with this, I believe you are one step closer to taking control of your own narrative.
I’ll leave you with some advice:
Show compassion in moments of fury.
Don’t let your past define you unless it’s a past that you’re proud of.
- T
xx